The State of Me

I guess I should introduce myself.  I’m really no different from most.  At least from most of the people I know.  I’m a 36 year old mother (My name is Diane) , common law wife and everyday chick.  I live in poverty, in a condemnable, fire-hazard-of-a-trailer with my three kids and my consort of the last ten years, David.  I walked out of my job in July of this year, fearing that something detrimental was about to occur due to illegal and unethical practices that I witnessed while under their employ.  It was a small business and when I quit, only nine employees remained.   Sure enough a week and a half following my departure, the *company* (and I use that term lightly) laid off six more people.  The remaining three were the upper echelons of mismanagement.  Last I heard, they were being investigated by the IRS.  The DOT won’t be far behind. 

I don’t have a degree in anything except high school and trailer park.  I seem to attract the negative so I have to consider myself a positive.  Trying to better myself through learning and understanding others is an integral part of my life.  Though I have found that most are not interested in the facets of faith.  My own faith has gone through many significant changes throughout the course of my life. 

I went from a semi-idyllic childhood ( I say semi- because I grew up with a terminally ill brother who passed away when he was only 27) to an uber-despondent adulthood.  I have seen death – my father, my brother, both grandmothers, my first husband and the father of my two oldest chidren, two dear friends and countless others)  I have been abused both physically and emotionally. And I have been poor.  No electricity, no running water, nothin to eat but potatoes and Ramen Noodles poor.  I still am.   Daily, I struggle with the notion of giving up and resigning myself to this less than  desirable fate.   So far, I have been unable to do that.  Must be the Scot-Irish in me.

And here I am.  Wondering what we are going to eat for the next week.  Fearing the possum will get in the house again tonight.  Hoping that the mosqitoes that come up through the holes in the floor don’t give us all West Nile virus  Wondering where the money for school clothes and supplies for my kids will come from before next week.  Praying that my 17yo son will make it through this year of school ( he quit last year and is planning to go back) and be in even worse shape than his hind-sighted mother.  My hindsight vision must be at least 20/2.  But isnt it always? 

 That is only the tip of my own personal iceberg.  What I’ve done.  What I’ve seen. What I’ll never do and never see.   I am patient and tolerant, sometimes, cynical and bitter.  It’s hard not to be when you are constantly running uphill .  But I still believe that I can make a difference.  I write.  I can express myself and find some solace in knowing that someone cares enough to read it. 

 I belong to a subculture in the US.  A group that barely exists despite its large numbers.  We are invisible and silent because we feel there is no need to speak up.  A group that can’t afford to eat but doesn’t qualify for food stamps. One that has no insurance and no forseeable opportunity to obtain it.  We live without electricity when we don’t have the money to pay it because we have no choice.   For the past three years, we have spent summer in the kudzu jungle of Northern Mississippi with no air conditioning and still had $500 utility bills to pay.   This winter we look forward to having no heat again.

Something has to keep our heads above water.  Our country is on fire, literally and figuratively.  Is it a sign form the gods?   Unless we all speak up, on the ills, the wrongs and the religious, political and personal injustices we keep experiencing nothing will ever change. 

Make a commitment to do something good and right today.  Agree to disagree.  Get your head out of the TV and do something REAL.  Make a change.  A change that matters.  Embrace a new culture or religion.  Plant a seed.  Strengthen a relationship.  Commit random acts of kindness.  Take out the trash for an elderly neighbor or relative.  Tell your Mom how much you really love her.  Do something that matters.  Something that will make a difference for the better.  Vow to do it not today but EVERY day. Imagine the difference it would make if we all did. 

“You may say, I’m a dreamer.  But I’m not the only one.  I hope some day, you will join us and the world will live as one” – John Lennon